crazy love.

sometimes it feels good to spend the majority of the day all by myself.

now, don’t get me wrong, i love people. i love being around people and i will almost always choose to spend time with people rather than being alone. but sometimes i just need the quiet. i crave the time where i don’t have to think about what i’m saying, doing or what other people are thinking. granted, i shouldn’t be worrying about what people are thinking but let’s just be honest, i do. which is why it feels good to not think at all sometimes.

i think when i am alone, God really wants me to just be with him. to talk to him, listen to him and just be still. and for some reason, this is so hard. there are way too many things that distract me-work, friends, family, life in general-but ultimately i think it’s satan. he is so good at putting distractions in our minds that i don’t even notice that i’ve completely stopped talking to God and started worrying about other things.

i’ve been reading the book “crazy love” by francis chan for the past 5 months (yes, 6 months. normally i don’t take this long to read books but i’ve been discussing it with a dear friend). in one of the chapters, chan explains worry as our lack of trust that God can take care of anything and everything. and stress is our ridiculous need to keep a tight grip of control. both of these two explanations hit hard because i know i worry and stress about things but i never heard it described in that sense. it really becomes clear when you think about what things make you worried or stressed.

i would say money and relationships are the two things i worry about most at this point in my life. and it is a complete reflection of the fact that i can’t let it go and give it over to God so i can stop worrying about it. he is so incredibly powerful but i repeatedly try to hold on to everything.

it’s amazing that even though i let things go one day, the very next day i’m right back where i started, with an even tighter grip.  but God is so gracious and loving that i can just keep coming back to him.

now that is some crazy love.