crazy love.

sometimes it feels good to spend the majority of the day all by myself.

now, don’t get me wrong, i love people. i love being around people and i will almost always choose to spend time with people rather than being alone. but sometimes i just need the quiet. i crave the time where i don’t have to think about what i’m saying, doing or what other people are thinking. granted, i shouldn’t be worrying about what people are thinking but let’s just be honest, i do. which is why it feels good to not think at all sometimes.

i think when i am alone, God really wants me to just be with him. to talk to him, listen to him and just be still. and for some reason, this is so hard. there are way too many things that distract me-work, friends, family, life in general-but ultimately i think it’s satan. he is so good at putting distractions in our minds that i don’t even notice that i’ve completely stopped talking to God and started worrying about other things.

i’ve been reading the book “crazy love” by francis chan for the past 5 months (yes, 6 months. normally i don’t take this long to read books but i’ve been discussing it with a dear friend). in one of the chapters, chan explains worry as our lack of trust that God can take care of anything and everything. and stress is our ridiculous need to keep a tight grip of control. both of these two explanations hit hard because i know i worry and stress about things but i never heard it described in that sense. it really becomes clear when you think about what things make you worried or stressed.

i would say money and relationships are the two things i worry about most at this point in my life. and it is a complete reflection of the fact that i can’t let it go and give it over to God so i can stop worrying about it. he is so incredibly powerful but i repeatedly try to hold on to everything.

it’s amazing that even though i let things go one day, the very next day i’m right back where i started, with an even tighter grip.  but God is so gracious and loving that i can just keep coming back to him.

now that is some crazy love.

sing hosanna

working at a preschool, i sing many little kids worship songs on a day to day basis. i think almost all of the songs we sing are songs i sung as a child growing up in church. they are really great songs. i think most of the time i sing them without even thinking about the words, even though they have a lot of meaning in them.

right now, all i can think about is the song “Give Me Oil for My Lamp”. the words go…

give me oil for my lamp, keep me burning, burning, burning
give me oil for my lamp, i pray, hallelujah
give me oil for my lamp, keep me burning, burning, burning
keep me burning till the break of day.

sing hosanna, sing hosanna, sing hosanna to the king of kings
sing hosanna, sing hosanna, sing hosanna to the king

we also have 2 other verses:
give me gas for my ford, keep me trucking for the Lord
and
give me wax for my board, keep me surfing for the Lord.

i have been thinking about this a lot recently and what it really means. i think it has a lot to do with feeling the passion of Christ in our lives. i need that oil to fuel the passion. i need to feel God’s presence in order to get that passion. i need to spend time with him, to walk with him, to fall in love with him. i can’t have a relationship where there is no passion. i may have passion in the beginning stages of my relationship with God but if i am not “oiling the lamp” it will eventually die out. how can i expect to have passion if i’m not spending quality time with God? if i’m not striving and desperately wanting to learn more and more about him and his desires then what is the relationship?

i think the next two verses of this song have to do with asking God for the things necessary to serve him. if driving a ford truck is what you do for God, then yeah, ask him for some gas! if surfing is what you do to reach the lost, then ask him for some wax! this can be relevant to many different situations. i work with 2 yr olds..i need energy and patience! whatever it is you need to serve him, ask him for it. he will reward you.

and never forget to always sing hosanna to the King.

one of the best kids to spend 8 hours a day with.

scaredy cat

i went to a seminar for women tonight. it was all about desires. i have desires. i know i do. and i know they are there and i know what they are.

what did i learn from this seminar?

i’m a big, fat, scaredy cat.

it’s true.

i have a desire to be in a love affair with Jesus. but i am so scared of getting hurt (i realize i’m saying i’m scared to get hurt by the one person that would NEVER hurt me) that i don’t let myself fall in love with him. i am so scared of being rejected, being made to feel inadequate and not good enough, and being let down, that i am missing out on the greatest love relationship of my entire life!

i want to love God so much but i am so, so scared, it’s as if i can’t. he is the one and only person that will never, ever make me feel any of those things and yet i’m still scared.

my little human heart and mind just needs to let go. this ridiculous craving for control is ruining the best thing that is ever going to happen to me!

God, i pray that every day you show me your love for me. and that every time i feel scared to let you in, you knock down that door so hard i get the wind knocked outta me!

praise

God is amazing. he has been showing me a lot of things these past couple of months. i am not going to go into detail about it, but i just want to say that he is amazing and wonderful. he has truly blessed me with things i know i don’t deserve. how can i not praise him for everything?

i know he loves me and is guiding me and is watching out for me. he knows what i need the most, even when i don’t know it. he knows what i want, but he also knows that i don’t need the things i want, but sometimes gives them only because he loves me.

he has put people in my life for certain reasons and i love seeing how each new person i meet affects my life. even if it’s only for a short time. but i am grateful for everyone he has put in my path. i have learned many things from many people.

i love his creation. his beautiful sunsets and sky. the only thing i can do when i look outside is praise my God because he is marvelous. he is good. he is my God. he loves me and i love him.

this little light

“this little light of mine. i’m gonna let it shine. this little light of mine, i’m gonna let it shine. this little light of mine, i’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.”

i have never thought about these words in depth. i just knew them as a little kids song that’s fun to sing because you get to hold up your finger like a candle…and you get to pretend to blow it out, and pretend to hide it under a bushel.

but while i was singing this song with my 2 yr olds, it occurred to me how amazing this song really is. this little light of mine is my life. it’s such a small part in God’s huge plan…but it really is such a bright light. our lives are meant to be lights for God in his world. and we need to let it shine!

and how easy is it for us to “let satan blow it out”? there are sooo many times i can think of where i’ve let satan blow my light out. he does it so easily that sometimes i don’t even recognize it; but looking back, i know that is what happened. you get burned out…you get stuck in a rut…and these are usually the times when God wants our lights to shine the brightest. that’s what our faith is all about.

OR

how easy is it to “hide it under a bushel”? there have been times when i don’t say things i should, or don’t act the way i should, all because i wanna fit in….that is hiding my light under a bushel. and i’m not supposed to do that.

so the next time you think of this song, take some time to actually think about what it really means. we are lights. and God is the Father of Lights.

memories.

i miss my heartlight kids. this might seem strange to some people because my heartlight kids were troubled teenagers. but when you go from living with them to working with 2 year olds, things change. we used to laugh so much. they usually knew when i was being sarcastic, which was about 90% of the time. and granted sometimes things were not so funny. but looking back at the hard times…i just have to laugh. i still can’t believe some of the things these kids would do.

but despite all the stupid, ridiculous things they did or said…i loved them. i loved them with all my heart. even when i wanted to quit. and when i wanted to go home. and when i wanted to kill them. but the good times outweighed the bad by a long shot.

here are some of my favorite memories:

1. for halloween, 5 of us girl staff dressed up as sheep by gluing cotton balls onto white trash bags. my roommate, meredith, decided to take it a little further and wore tan nylons and stuffed them with cotton to make her arms and legs look like sheep. we were having some fun at the “haunted barn” and making fun of her because she looked like the little kid on “a christmas story” when he was all puffed up in his snow clothes. so we were all standing in a circle pushing her around when we decided to stop and she couldn’t catch her balance. so as she’s dressed like a sheep, she starts falling backwards and flinging her arms in small little circles and no one caught her so she landed on her butt. we all died laughing.

2. at one of the family retreats, jackie, ashley mcmahen and i decided to tell mark, who was a newer staff at the time, that the cookies were for the families only. so as he was going to put the cookie in his mouth, ashley made the move and told him he wasn’t allowed to eat it. he looked around and put the cookie down….then he noticed we were laughing.

3. i was sitting at the dinner table with my girls, eating dinner. we had a rule that if you had to fart at dinner, you had to get up and walk into the living room. sarah, who tends to have gas, needed to get up. so she starts running to the living room. she farted mid run and i lost it.

4. the first time jackie and i stayed at kevin and melissa’s house, we were talking with them about if they like when people stayed at their house. kevin continued to talk about how carl, a previous staff, had eaten his cinnamon rolls & a frozen pizza. he would not stop talking about it. so jackie and i decided to put cinnamon rolls in his box the next week with note that said “sorry about the cinnamon rolls – carl”.

5. one saturday night, meredith & i were working. we were really, really bored and decided we were going to make things out of tinfoil and dress up with the q & a clothes. so we made glasses, earrings and necklaces and made hats with paper and put on ridiculous clothes and decided to make videos. all the while our girls were watching movies and not participating in our fun. it was one of the best nights we had in cool lodge. then they moved her to a different house. not cool.

there are soooooo many more stories that will just have to be told at another time.

desires & expectations

i went to church tonight by myself. the first time i have ever gone to church by myself, and not expecting to meet someone there. and this is what i learned.

desire: a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing something to happen.

i desire to move from where i am. i desire to succeed at my job. i desire to have a boyfriend. i desire to live by the beach. i desire to get my masters. i desire to…and the list goes on.

expectations: a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.

desires should never be something that we start to expect. but unfortunately, i have expected them. but why? it might be because other people get things they want. or because i think i deserve it, its my turn. but as soon as i start to expect what i want, i am left disappointed.

i should never expect God or anyone, to give me something i want. i don’t deserve anything. but i do expect it. i have turned my desires into expectations and have been left with a feeling of disappointment. all because i expected something to happen. it was all about me. and what i wanted.

but what does God want?

he wants me to please him. then he will give me the desires, not the expectations.

“delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart” psalm 37:4

few and far between

contentment is one of the hardest things for me. and i hate to admit that but it’s true. i always think something else is going to be better than what i’ve got. which who’s to say it isn’t better or worse? but the worst part, is that i convince myself that its ok to get that because, how am i going to know its not better if i don’t try it?

i don’t know why. is it the world that is telling me i’m not good enough until i have this? or is it my own personality that doesn’t feel adequate? i know there are people that are completely content with where they are. how did they get that? did they go through a huge tragedy in order to feel grateful for the small things they have? is that what needs to happen?

i wish i was more grateful for what i’ve got right in front of me. i’m not saying that i take everything for granted because there are times when i can’t believe that i have what i have and i know i don’t deserve any of it. i think the part that i struggle with is why me? why did i get blessed enough to have all of these nice things? and why is it that i never feel like it’s good enough? good enough for who?! why should i care if it’s good enough? God doesn’t care if my stuff is good enough.

sometimes i wonder if i was born in a different country, where things like running water and electricity are few and far between, if i would be more grateful.

i believe it is a downfall of living in this country. everything is way too easy for us.

where we gonna go from here

graduating from college is one of the best feelings a 22 year old can experience. hell, it could be the best feeling anyone experiences, not just someone who is 22. but the thing is, graduation is the door way leading you to something you know nothing about.

now, i know i graduated a year and a half ago, but because i knew what i was doing after graduation, i didn’t go through the “i have no idea what i’m doing” phase until now.

i daily struggle through the “i can do anything i want to” to “i have no resources to get me anywhere” thoughts. there will be some points during the day that i just want to move again and be gone for another year or two. meet new people, experience a different culture. that sounds so exciting and amazing. how can i not pass up an opportunity? but the haunting thoughts keep coming back. i can’t move, i have no money. i have no money, because i don’t have a full time job. well i can’t seem to get a full time job so i’m screwed and hopeless. and back to square one.

so where we gonna go from here?

i have no idea.

toes just touch the water

well i’m new at this. it seems interesting enough to try it out. why not right? i’m not a huge writer but every now and then i just get ideas in my head that would probably be better off outside of my head so this is my way of letting them escape.

this is just me…getting out there into the blog world. toes just touching the water. not fully ready to figure out the entire ocean of letting the world see my thoughts, but testing to see if its just too cold or exactly what i’m looking for.